A Day in the Life of the Female.

The headline of this article is misleading. I’m a cat, and if I didn’t mislead you every now and then, you might become suspicious. I’m convinced you like when I do things like this, so I will continue to do so.

But, keep reading. There are actually some important announcements in this post. Somewhere. Aw, hell. I’ll start with them.

We goofed.

One or two books have multiple versions at a vendor. This is because the female is having difficulties right now, and she went on autopilot while uploading finals to vendors of Bat out of Hell and Ginger Snapped.

We’re sorry. Please check to make sure you only ordered one copy. Once the books release, the female will pull the plug on one of the editions and put in a request to merge the version.

This is on her.

There’s nothing actually wrong with having the wrong version, we just don’t want you to buy the same book more than once. So, if you use Barnes and Nobles or Kobo, please check your preorders for these books and make sure you’ve only ordered one copy. (We don’t want you to be double charged!)

We also don’t want to cancel any preorders at either vendor, so we’re letting it ride. There’s just no winning for us on this one.

We’re really, really sorry.

To show how sorry we are, here is a picture of me grooming my sister. She needs to be groomed often. Isn’t my little nose cute? Look at my little tongue! Blep!

In other news, we’re adorable, and we thought you needed to know.

Anyway, now that we have gotten that mess out of our systems, I want to tell you a story of a female, an apartment renovation, and so much stress she is currently suffering from a weapon-grade headache.

It began on Friday afternoon, which is why this isn’t really about a day in the life of the female. See, I’m so misleading! (You’ll be okay, humans. More okay than the female.)

In preparation for the Renovation of Doom, she stayed home all day when rather would have gone out to Starbucks for a non-coffee drink. (She likes Peach Green Tea Lemonades, no added sweetener.)

Someone from maintenance was supposed to test the apartment key.

Someone from maintenance did not test the apartment key.

Thus sets the stage for Monday.

According to our notice, we were to be removed from our home no later than nine in the morning. This is a safety issue was they were doing demolition work, and the building, at some stage in its life, was confirmed to have asbestos in the walls.

We’re okay with that, humans. The female is a firm believer in not being fucking stupid.

(Staying without safety equipment during that sort of thing is stupid.)

For the record, before the suckage of this story begins, the workers did a marvelous job with containment and cleaning. The areas they worked were cleaner than before they entered the apartment. We are grateful for that.

Alas, things went south pretty quickly.

Here is the sequence of events for Monday.

1: We were told to leave no later than nine. The residents’ lounge, our new temporary home away from home, is supposed to open at seven. At a quarter after eight, we can’t access the lounge. The female is very upset. The male is fuming. A nice maintenance guy lets us in, but the entry key thingie doesn’t work, so we must stay without being able to leave the entire day.

It sucked, humans. We were forced to stay in a little cage all day.

We were not happy about this arrangement. At all. But we quietly accepted defeat. At one point, the female took the litter box, food, and water away, and checked if we were hungry or thirsty several times an hour so we could have more space in our jail.

We were too stressed to eat or drink much, so after some reflection, we slept. It was a very long sleep, and we were bribed with much wet food upon return to our home.

2: At 10:30, the female receives the following voice mail:

Depositing new message Hi (redacted) this is (redacted). I’m calling you from the front office this is in regards to the scheduled work that was scheduled for today at 9:00 AM. I’m contractors are in a tight schedule since the city has them do several units a day. So I really need you to cooperate with us and let us into your home we did put the notice on your door about two weeks ago. Giving you enough time to prep for today and with enough notice to make any arrangements if you have pets. So please give me a call back if you have any other questions (redacted) thank you have a good day.

The female flipped. By flipped, she immediately called back and said, “I stayed home on Friday specifically so someone could check the key, and no one showed up. We left the apartment before nine just as we were told we were supposed to do. We attempted to go to the lounge, which was supposed to be open, but it was not; someone from maintenance had to let us in.” There was some other discussions, which finally resulted in someone coming to claim her key. It was returned shortly later after a copy was cut.

It was a thing of beauty, humans. The female is generally this really nice calm and gentle beast. She’s shy. She hates phones.

She picked her iPhone up like it was a weapon of war and she rode a fire-breathing unicorn into battle.

The tone of the text was not ideal. By not ideal, the distressed female showed it to the male, and he was incensed. I’m convinced I saw smoke pour from his ears.

He was not happy, because he does not like when people unnecessarily upset the female.

She’d been pretty inconvenienced about the whole thing, and they treated her like it was her fault someone hadn’t done their jobs.

Hell. Fucking. No.

So, the female made a new friend in the lounge, and that was nice.

3: It is now three in the afternoon, and the female’s new friend goes to check if her apartment is finished. It is. Except there’s a problem. The female’s new friend went to check on our home to discover the key was in the lock. She assumed someone was in the unit.

(Surprise! No one was in the unit.)

4: It is now shortly after four in the afternoon. The male has come home, and he has gone to the apartment. He discovers the key in the lock, and there is no one in our home.

He is doing a fine imitation of incense at this point. He is smoking so hot the female claims the key found in the door and adults her way to the leasing office to bring forth hell on this sweet Earth. (It takes some time, as her and the male have a lengthy discussion of the possibility of the key having been copied, and so on. The general conclusion is that it’s unlikely, as there were construction workers on the various floors most of the day, but it is a possibility. He is much less concerned than she is.)

5: It is approximately 5:30 pm. The female has gained enough courage (and rage) to attend to the key matter. No one from the construction company has shown up or noticed the key hasn’t been in the door for an hour. She goes to the leasing office.

The female tries to be a very nice being. She does. But this pushed all of her limits and buttons.

She told the male a play by play afterwards, and it went a little like this.

Female enters the leasing office, rather quietly, gently closing the door behind her. Strolls somewhat casually to the desk where the lady is working. They exchange a generic greeting.

Female, holding up key as though she has discovered the most holiest of grails: The construction workers left our apartment unlocked, with the key in the lock, completely unattended for at least several hours. One of the other residents told me my key was in my lock at three. My husband found the key and no one in the apartment sometime after four. This is completely unacceptable. I have a <insert wretchedly high value of her prized iMac Pro here> computer on my desk in sight of the door. My entire career is on that computer. I understand you need to do these renovations, but I work from home, and this is exceptionally disruptive. Someone could have walked into my apartment and stolen my computer and all of my work. Since this wasn’t bad enough, someone sent an aggressive, unpleasant voice mail. I was present at my apartment on Friday. I was ready for the key test. I had a note on my door saying I was home and to only disturb me if I was needed for the key, as I was working. No one showed up. This is NOT my fault, and I should not have been yelled at for failing to cooperate with the renovations. I cooperated. I was ready at the directed times, I left my unit when told. Then to find my key in the door of an unattended apartment? Everyone’s keys are in their doors, just hanging there so someone could just walk off–or worse, go into their homes.

Note: this is paraphrased but the content and intent is the same.

The Leasing Office Lady started cussing. Actually, the female was rather appeased by that, but she wasn’t letting the lady off the hook.

They discuss, and the leasing office lady calls the construction company and her boss while the female is standing and watching, rather like a hawk about to pounce a mouse.

Finally, the female leaves the leasing office.

6: The construction company comes in to remove the plastic barricade in the bedroom and tidy the apartment following their work.

The male and the female are super friendly and polite to the construction crew. It is surreal how friendly and polite they are to the construction crew.

Life goes on.

For a while.

7: At 9:09 today, the construction team enters. Work immediately begins.

The power lasts all of a few minutes before it goes out. All is dark and quiet for approximately thirty seconds.

During that thirty seconds, the construction team has gathered every drill, saw, and noisy doodad on the face of the planet. They attack the bedroom and bathroom simultaneously.

The female has to pee.

8: It is 10:30. The female still has to pee. Hope is fading fast. She cries to the male, who agrees to bring her lunch if she can just hold on for a little longer.

The female notices she has lost her keys. Hope is fading.

The female edits Cold Flame.

The female has to pee.

9: It is approximately 11. All hope is lost. The female must pee. She decides to check the lounge.

The lounge’s door is braced open. The leasing lady kept her word, promising access.

The female pees in the human-appropriate place. We had offered our litter box, but for some reason, she declined.

10: It is noon. The male provided sustenance and a hug. She tried to eat.

The migraine hits.

The female, through pain and nausea, edits Cold Flame because it is better than just listening to the roar of every power tool in the state of California dismantling the apartment.

The electricity is not back.

The female has to pee again.

Hope, again, wanes.

11: It is 2. The female slips off to the lounge. It is still open. Another human is within. They say hello. She performs the necessary pee actions in the human-appropriate place. We had, once again, offered our litter box, but she declined.

12: It is sometime after 2. The power has returned. There’s a minor snafu. The snafu is fixed. There is power in the entire apartment.

We are set free. Hooray!

13: It is now 4:07, and the female has to pee.

The bathroom is now available, and all is well in the world. We do not offer our litter box to her this time. She has her own.

Taken, Cold Flame, and Double Trouble are all with the primary editor. Water Witch is with the female’s proofing editor.

She has outlined the first part of Steel Heart, and she likes it.

She will now, post peeing in the human-appropriate place, work on The Run Around, because she deserves to be happy. (And she really likes that book.)

Welcome to the life of my female. We recommend against staying long. It has hurty bits in the brain space.